The thoughts never stop but I haven’t been taking the time to put “pen to paper”. I wanted to write a blog this evening to share some of the things that have been happening in my life. Because I know that our hearts are connected somehow, and that there are experiences we’re all going through – the happiness, pain, anxiety, joy, excitement, novelty, loneliness, confusion and overwhelm of life is shared.
Highs and lows
Something my sister has told me time and time again is that one thing that all of us are guaranteed of on the highway of existence is change. Although human beings are not massive fans of disruption, I’ve come to embrace this sentiment – thank God things change. With change comes hope.
This month I got a new job. The timing couldn’t have been better, which made me feel more optimistic about the trail of breadcrumbs I’ve been following in my career to date. Fortunately, they haven’t led me to a witch in a house made of sweets. Though I’m pretty sure I could take her.
This month my dad also found out he has an aggressive form of skin cancer. It was a scary discovery for our family unit, and a reminder that we should never take the present moment and our relationships for granted. With the joy of my new job opportunity, I am also trying to fight an anticipated grief that I’m praying won’t come to pass. Isn’t that just life? The highs and lows don’t happen in isolation.
The blog title in part is dedicated to a pony I encountered a year ago. Ponies are interesting creatures. My first impression of these animals was: stunted horse? As a kid they seemed like the real deal in terms of size, but as I’ve grown older I’ve realised how small they are; dwarfed by their fellow tall horse.
This particular pony became a peculiar companion of sorts. More often in mind than physically. He has baggage; heavy for his size (don’t we all). For the past twelve months, I’ve contemplated ways that I might lighten the load, felt resentment at my inability to give him the gift of being free from his stable jail. Ironically I was also living in a stable jail of my own creation.
It’s been a spiral of mixed feelings, often taking the focus away from my intent to transform myself and move forward. After all, it’s too easy to focus on problems twice removed.
Being a pony, he’s been blissfully unaware of the extent of pain experienced from his inevitable kick. I on the other hand have had to accept responsibility for voluntarily standing behind him. So this blog is also partly my way of moving on from pony and his parade. I learnt a lot from him: forgiveness when sorry is never going to be said, being gracious when caught – or rather asking to be caught – in a trample and acknowledging that ponies are best left to their own pursuits.
Loving something wild that can’t reciprocate is futile. Animate or not.
Investing energy in the wrong things
The biggest question I’ve asked myself in 2018 is: where do I invest my energy? Short answer, I invest at least 50% of my energy in the wrong things, things that add no material value to my own life. It’s a victim mentality, which is part of my own personal baggage, that I encompass. When I hold the mirror up, I don’t always like, let alone love, what I see. I want to change that and let go of my habit to take life and myself so damn seriously all the time – which when exercised is the equivalent of the relief one feels falling asleep at the end of a long day.
The relationship I want to hold above all others, is the relationship I have with myself… so that no matter what happens, no matter who enters my life or exits, no matter where I go: I’m good with me.
Friendship is everything
I’m so thankful to all the people in my life who champion me. My support network is my source of strength. I wanted to end this blog on that hopeful note, that with good people – there are lights throughout the dark tunnel of an unknowable future.
Tell your friends how much they mean to you this week and hug them tight the next time you see them. Happy Saturday folks.