I’m realising more and more that I’m still figuring out who I am, what I like and where I’m headed. The uncertainty is frightening and I’m unsure of so many things.
It’s becoming increasingly important for me to know what I want and to choose the direction of my life rather than aimlessly floating around. I think I’m attracted to people who are passionate. They have a ‘thing’- be it bartending, or photojournalism or online education. I want a ‘thing’ that I can call my own.
Do What You Love, Know What You Love
I’ve always hated the saying ‘do what you love’. Because I’m not particularly infatuated with what I do. I feel chained to the career I’ve forged because it’s lucrative and I’m good at it. If I had a choice, I still feel as clueless as I did when I left school as to what I’d do.
At school, I enjoyed certain subjects more than others- I always loved history and English. When it came to picking a field of study, I had limited options. It was basically a Bachelor of Arts or nothing. A Bachelor of Arts is a general degree, and I feel like a generalist in life.
Are You A Sketch?
When I was younger, and someone asked me what music I liked, my response would be: everything. I didn’t want to draw a line in the sand and say- I like this genre of music.
It’s an all-round question of what I like that makes me feel like an outline, a sketch that hasn’t been coloured in. I’ve tried to fit in and I think I’ve compromised who I am- because I haven’t had the grit to risk being disliked or standing out. Chameleon? Blending in is comfortable, even if you’re blending in to a sub culture or a few sub cultures that takes pride in being different… the irony makes my eyes water.
Pragmatism vs Aspirations vs Procrastination
I think there is a very pragmatic side to me that says: not everyone gets to do what they love and we all need to make money to survive. I’m sure the people who work the check out counters at grocery stores, clean houses and pick up the trash don’t LOVE their job. However, I am envious of those fortunate enough to find themselves in a field that they love and that is contributing something meaningful to our society: whether that be online education or disseminating the news.
What keeps me from pursuing certain things that I do enjoy? I don’t want to do things by myself, which is a problem. Take hiking for instance. I really enjoy hiking and would love to do more of it- but I don’t have anyone to do it with. Therefore I don’t do it. This makes me unhappy. “Join a hiking group Rebecca- go buy the gear”, says my mind and my people. “But then I’ll be thrown in with a group of people I don’t know and what if I hate them?” counters my excuse mechanism. “Surely meeting new people is a good thing?” my mind replies. “I don’t know, let’s put this subject aside for the moment and think about it later.” Procrastination settles everything. Time passes, I’m still not hiking and I feel regret. The same fear stews in the pit of my stomach, preventing me from taking action.
A friend recently said to me: “don’t be afraid, life is long.” I’m very afraid and life is passing by. I need to take action. The question of whether I will sits in front of me, staring me in the eyeball. Am I finally ready to take a stand and say: this is who I am? To DO something that will help me figure it out. I’m tired of being a sketch and borrowing colours from my respected peers. I wish these things were simpler to figure out.