*I recently completed a 30 day social media detox and this was one of the journal entries I wrote a long the way.

Maybe because I’m a bit tired this morning, I keep forgetting that I’ve disabled my social media accounts and then ALMOST navigating to them before I remember that I’m doing the 30 day detox.

Melancholic moment

Today I thought about suicide. Not committing it, just the times in my life where I’ve fantasised about driving off Du Waal drive- and the rush that would accompany that act. Death for adrenalin junkies?

I watched a series called “13 reasons why”, which is basically a story about a teen who commits suicide but documents the 13 reasons why she did it- which then gets passed on to the people featured on the tapes.

Most people have been exposed to suicide at some point in their lives- a friend, an acquaintance, a family member. For me, those exposures have left me feeling cold. Like a stone thrown into the ocean and sinking into darkness.

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Is that the aesthetic equivalent of life slipping away?

Despite having had the odd suicidal thought, I’ve never been the suicidal type. But I don’t want to get old. I don’t want to get sick. I don’t want to ever get to a point where my mind fails me.

Feels like we only go backwards

When I’m catching the bus, I often see old people climb on and off. Some of them look really frail and it’s hard not worry about their safety but also marvel at their continued independence.

If only we were born old, so that as we become wiser, our bodies get younger. If only.