There are two types of people in this world:

The person who can fall asleep whilst knowing there is a mosquito in the room and one who can’t.

It’s very difficult to date someone who isn’t on the same page about mosquitoes because inevitably you will land up fighting at 2am when you switch on the light and will not rest until you vanquish your foe. I now see feelings about mosquitoes as an important compatibility factor. It says something about a person, if they can sleep knowing that there is something in the room that wants to suck their blood and poison them.

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Why I hate mosquitoes

I hate mosquitoes more than any other bug. There are so many reasons why they made the top of my list of most hated pests. One of the biggest is that they emit a sound that is basically ear torture- worse than chewing noises, worse than nails on a chalkboard, worse than Jacob Zuma’s SONA speeches. Then there’s the fact that they deprive you of the peace that usually accompanies falling asleep, AND precious sleep time.

What purpose these bugs serve, only God knows. Without bees, we’re all fucked- but can the same be said for mosquitoes?!

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*Fun fact for the men reading this blog- only female mosquitoes bite and feed on blood, male mosquitoes feed on flower nectar. :’)

Here are 5 ways to kill a mosquito:

 1) Wait until you have it in line of sight and then attack

This requires patience. Especially if the mozzie in question has woken you up in the middle of the night and your brain is confuzzled and your eyes are trying to painfully adjust to the light.

Once the light is on, you simply wait until you see the little devil, and then you attack. Sometimes your attacks will fail, and then you’ll have to wait until the mozzie reappears. This can be especially painful because most mozzies have a special talent for fucking with your mind- you turn on the light and poof, they’re gone!

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All I can say is that THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION. Once you have a mosquito in your room, you must kill it.

2) Find bait

Mosquitoes tend to like some people more than others. If you find someone who you can use as bait, make a small incision while they’re sleeping… kiiidding!

Your bait ahem person will become the target and therefore responsible for killing the mozzie while you sleep blissfully beside them.

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3) Wait in the dark for mozzie to fly by your ear

This is for the especially tired, but involves literally slapping yourself in the face. Be careful not to perforate your ear drum- yes, this is possible if you slap yourself especially hard while attempting to kill said mozzie.

It’s war peeps. No-one said you weren’t going to get hurt.

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4) Sleep with your windows closed OR fan on

This is a tough call to make, especially in the heat of Summer when you want to feel the cool night air on your skin. If you have a fan and can sleep with it on, then this is probably the best strategy- mozzies have weak little wings and can’t fly properly when there are currents of air.

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5) Buy a peaceful sleep wall plugin and put it on a few hours before bedtime

As much as I HATE mozzies, I am slightly paranoid about these contraptions. The packaging says it’s harmless… but is it?! You don’t willingly breathe in Doom when you spray a roach. Maybe you don’t even use Doom because you’re paranoid about breathing it in! I don’t want to poison myself (I can sense a few looks- one does not smoke AND willingly breathe in other harmful substances).

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Lastly, the problem is…

You can still hear a mozzie after you’ve killed it. The sound haunts your ear, like tinnitus… mozzinitus? Some soldiers can remember the face of every person they’ve ever killed. Well, my ear remembers the sound of every mozzie I’ve ever killed (ok not quite, maybe for one night).

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If you hate mosquitoes as much as I do and have any tips on how to kill them, please share.