Yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown.
I started my morning off on my phone, doing the habitual social media scroll. My platform of choice was Instagram, where I noticed that a group of friends had gone to an event around the corner from my flat and hadn’t invited me. It stings when I’m confronted by the #squad #besties hashtags, and frequent social media evidence that even after years of doing friend’s Christmas, weddings and birthdays together, I still haven’t quite made the cut. I’d rather be blissfully ignorant of that fact and enjoy the times I am included.
1. I’m starting to hate my phone addiction
It’s a nagging thought at the back of my mind that makes me consider hurling the thing off my balcony. Maybe I’d be better off not knowing what everyone else is doing all the time. I love the pretty pictures; I love seeing the lives of people who aren’t in my local tribe. But it makes me feel shit too.
2. Comparison is the thief of joy but I’m such a sucker for it
I’ve always battled with comparing myself to people I admire: whether it be that I think they’re successful, or beautiful, or smart, or stylish. Social media often turns those positive thoughts about people in my network, to negative thoughts about myself: I’m not successful enough, not stylish enough, not traveling enough, not smart enough, not doing life right etc.
3. I thought that taking action would solve everything
I used to be quite passive about the source of my insecurities. So I started writing down some of my goals, and acting on them. Whilst this has helped, it’s also made me realise that I can’t control everything.
Reading Mark Manson’s ‘In Defence of Being Average’ has helped come to turns with my status quo on the bell curve of many things in this life- and also left me with a “what’s the worst that can happen?!” view. Without placing myself under too much pressure to be great at everything, all the time, maybe I can actually be great at something! Maybe I can also fail, and then fail again, instead of hesitating because I’m afraid.
Ryan Gosling is singing “City of Stars” in the background of all my feels being typed out, which is mildly comforting.
Wishing everyone a dandy Monday the 13th!